Ask A Therapist: How Do I Start Dating After Sexual Assault and How To Find a Good Therapist
dating after sexual assault
How Do I Start Dating After Sexual Assault?
This is an important question, and dating after sexual assault can be quite complicated for many people, involving a variety of factors to consider. The first step to dating after sexual assault is to identify what feels like the next indicated step for you.
We live in a culture that emphasizes the importance of romantic relationships, implying that our central connections should primarily be romantic or sexual. This notion suggests that there’s something wrong with us if we aren’t pursuing those types of partnerships, but that simply isn’t true.
The pressure to form these relationships is often rooted in specific cultural influences such as capitalism, colonization, white supremacy, and patriarchy, which reinforce the idea that we should strive for traditional nuclear families.
The first step to dating after sexual assault is to grant yourself the freedom to be exactly where you are in healing from sexual assault without feeling pressured to change.
It's also important to consider where you want to go—what do you desire in your life regarding relationships, dating, sexuality, and romantic love? Reflect on your core values in these areas.
Just like we discussed in an earlier post about recovering from PTSD, your perspective on relationships may have changed due to healing sexual assault trauma. We adapt and evolve based on what we go through, and sexual assault trauma significantly impacts this process.
Many individuals who have faced sexual assault trauma have often dealt with multiple traumatic incidents, including relational trauma, as a significant number of survivors (around 85% to 90%) report knowing the person who assaulted them.
As you navigate the complexities of dating after sexual assault and forming romantic and sexual relationships, it's crucial to center yourself, embracing gentleness and compassion. Allow yourself the time and space you need for healing sexual trauma, moving at a pace that feels right for you. Give yourself permission to remain in this place for as long as necessary.
It's also important to identify your values and goals regarding relationships when dating after sexual assault. What are you hoping to achieve through dating? Consider which types of relationships feel beneficial and fulfilling to you. How might you introduce more depth and consideration of consent into your interactions?
Consent goes beyond a simple yes or no and isn't solely related to sexual encounters; it encompasses questions like: What do I want? What brings me joy? What would be enjoyable or fun? What am I open to exploring? How do I envision my relationships in terms of sensations, contact, and connection?
Think about how you can embrace those desires and connect with others who share similar aspirations and are willing to support you in your healing and dating journey. Additionally, reflect on the experiences you want to avoid and establish clear boundaries in your relationships.
You don’t need to have all the answers before you start dating after sexual assault; much of this will be discovered through experience. Creating safety measures for yourself is essential—ways to check in with your feelings throughout the dating process. Give yourself permission to step back and take a break if you start to feel overwhelmed or triggered, ensuring that you prioritize your well-being.
Seek out a strong network of social support, whether it's from friends, support groups, therapists, or sponsors. Having this kind of support can be incredibly valuable in your journey to dating after sexual assault.
It's important that the people in your life aren’t pressuring you to take specific actions regarding relationships but are instead creating a safe space for you to explore your experiences authentically.
Discuss this with your therapist, as they are dedicated to helping you achieve your goals and will be more than willing to assist you in this area as well.
One of the most effective skills group I offer is the Trauma Coping Skills Workshop where trauma survivors and allies can log in to a one time online workshop and learn fast and helpful trauma coping skills. Read more about the Trauma Coping Skills Workshop here.
For people looking for an ongoing trauma therapy group, I facilitate the Group Therapy for Trauma. In eight weeks, this trauma skills focused group helps people learn and practice skills for trauma recovery including building knowledge about how trauma impacts our brain, what to do when trauma is triggered, and setting achievable goals to build a life worth living. People walk away from this trauma skills group already taking steps towards the life they want to live, armed with useful and practical skills to manage triggers. Read more about the Group Therapy for Trauma and the next upcoming cohort here.
Finding a Good Therapist
Finding a Good Therapist
Finding a good therapist can often feel overwhelming and daunting for many individuals. I've heard from numerous clients who have spent months, or even years, finding a good therapist, only to struggle with finding a suitable match or one who is available.
The issue of finding a good therapist is compounded by a lack of access to mental health care providers, meaning there aren’t enough professionals to meet the demand. Significant barriers exist, such as high costs, insurance companies having limited panels of therapists, and inadequate compensation for those therapists.
When we talk about finding a good therapist, we're really discussing what constitutes a "good fit." This means working with someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to engage in the work you want to do. A good fit therapist should be someone you believe can support you and address your specific needs.
Some people thrive in talk-based therapy, appreciating the space where their therapist listens, offers reflections, and provides feedback to help them process their thoughts. Finding a therapist who makes you feel heard and genuinely holds that supportive space for you is important.
Others might prefer a therapist who provides concrete skills and works with them toward specific goals, focusing on problem-solving and helping them navigate obstacles that may hinder their progress. If this resonates with you, look for a therapist who emphasizes these aspects and is well-trained in evidence-based practices to introduce effective coping skills and strategies.
Many people appreciate a blend of approaches—they enjoy having open discussions while also engaging in problem-solving and acquiring new skills. They might also value moments of pause or mindfulness, where the therapist holds space for reflection.
Additionally, it's crucial to consider how your sociopolitical and cultural backgrounds align with those of your therapist. While you don't need to share identical identities, working with someone attuned to your intersectional identities and aware of their own is necessary.
Therapists should be mindful of the cultural context in which mental health issues arise, including systems of oppression and societal pressures. Those unwilling or unable to engage in these discussions may not be as effective, as these factors play a significant role in our experiences.
In seeking a good therapist, be sure to look for someone who understands that we all navigate these complex systems and how they affect our mental health.
Finding a Good Therapist
If you're using your insurance, start by obtaining a referral list. I recommend cross-referencing that list with online directories like Psychology Today, Mental Health Match, and Therapy Den. These platforms provide more detailed information about therapists and their specialties than is typically available on insurance referral lists, where it's often difficult to identify specific areas of expertise.
Therapists usually have specific specializations, but insurance lists may not showcase that. So, be sure to explore these directories, review therapist websites, and get a sense of their approach.
Consider subscribing to their mailing lists, reading their blogs, or listening to any podcasts or videos they may have posted to better understand their perspective and communication style.
Additionally, most therapists offer brief consultations—ranging from 10 to 30 minutes—where you can assess whether it’s a good fit for you. During this time, you can discuss your goals and gauge their understanding of how to support you moving forward.
A good therapist will be direct and transparent; if they feel unequipped to help with your particular needs, they should let you know. While this can be disappointing, it's ultimately beneficial as it guides you toward the right therapist.
Working with someone who isn’t a good fit can lead to unproductive sessions that waste your time, energy, and resources, and in some cases, may even exacerbate existing issues. Thus, it's crucial to do this research and cross-reference your options.
If possible, schedule consultations with multiple therapists rather than just one. While I understand that access can be challenging, trying to meet with several professionals will give you a better sense of your options and help you find the best fit for your needs.
It's important to recognize that having a good fit with a therapist doesn't necessarily mean it's a perfect fit. Conflicts may arise, and there will be times when you may not feel completely heard, or when your therapist might misunderstand something or say something that feels hurtful or offensive.
This is completely acceptable, and you should absolutely address any concerns with your therapist.
A good therapist will not react defensively or become upset when you bring up these issues. Instead, they will engage in the conversation with you, not only because they want to ensure the therapy is effective for your needs, but also because they aim to repair any ruptures that occur in the therapeutic relationship.
Therapy is a real relationship, and that means there can be times when something may inadvertently damage that connection. Working to repair these instances can be a powerful healing experience, so don't hesitate to bring up any concerns you may have.
Some signs your therapist is not a good fit is if you notice you’re starting to withhold information you normally would share with your therapist. Feeling like you have to take care of your therapist’s feelings also might be signs your therapist is not a good fit. If you try to address conflicts and problems with your therapist and they react defensively or are unable to repair with you and help you move through it, these are all signs your therapist is not a good fit
When finding a good therapist, it's essential to thoroughly review different therapist profiles and your referral list., if you received one. Additionally, consider talking to people you trust, such as friends, coworkers, or colleagues.
You can also ask your friends' therapists for referrals; many therapists are willing to provide recommendations. I've had clients request referrals for their friends, and I'm always happy to assist, especially if I have insight into what they’re looking for. I know many of my colleagues and their areas of expertise, so I can offer valuable suggestions to find a good therapist based on your needs.
Ready to start trauma focused therapy today? Sign up to work with me here. I offer trauma therapy with multiple approaches to best meet the needs of trauma survivors. Read more about working with me here.
You can also try out my online group offers: Trauma Coping Skills Workshop and Group Therapy for Trauma to connect with a supportive community and learn helpful trauma coping skills from home.
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